So there's this me that I am and this me that I want to be.  I can see the second one, but there is obvious gaps between the desired and the reality.  I've decided that now that I'm almost 40 years old, it's time to teach this Old Dog some new tricks and build a bridge between the me that I am and that woman I want so much to be.  First, to sum up - a hard, honest, humbling look at who I am: impatient, couch potato, t.v. addict, whatever the oposite of green is (I use disposable diapers, don't recycle, use regular light bulbs and have my t.v. on from the time I'm up to the time I go to sleep), overweight (just a few digits short from being obese on the BMI chart), unhealthy and can only blame my discusting diet of fried foods, sweets, and sodas for that.  What I want to be - green baby!  I want to eat much better, to find time to practice my Craft and meditate, to raise my girls in a much more hands on, patient, loving way, and to be healthy - not just myself but my daughters and my husband as well.  We are a very modest family in terms of income - we live on one income and have 2 small children.  This is a choice we made because we do NOT want to put our babies in day care.  Therefor, money IS an object, so we can't just go all out and change things at once.

My first step will begin sometime between tomorrow and Monday - we are (GULP) cutting off our cable.  This is HUGE for me - we have it all - every channel you can think of, movies and all.  We are cutting it ALL off.  We live in Brunswick GA and believe it or not there are NO local t.v. stations - our news comes form either Savannah or Jacksonville FL.  This means that a regular antena will not pick up any stations.  Our only televised entertainment will come from our DVD player.  This is hard for me, because I won't know who wins Hell's Kitchen unless I look on line, no more Ghost Hunters (good-bye Steve, my love, I'll miss you!), no more anything.  It will be hard on my 2 year old, too.  No more Yo Gabba Gabba and Little Bear.  But what it will give me is: more time to play with my girls, more time to read and study, more time to devote to my Craft and more time to meditate.  It will also give us a grand total of $140 extra a month (yes, we pay that much for our cable on one income and honestly I don't know how we do it).  This can go for more canvis bags (I have 3) to cut out on the plastic bags we tote home from the store, more money for better food (why does it cost more to eat well than to eat crap??), and that's just for starters.

So, welcome to my journey form the me to the me I want to be.

So I've been thinking about Goddess/God and what I believe about her/him/it/them.  I'm torn between the idea of all gods are one God and the idea of seperate beings rather than just different faces of the same one.  I spent so many years of my spiritual life on the chistian path that it's hard to not feel like I've "changed gods", but if all gods are one then have I?  Or am I just seeing a different aspect - because I really do see it as different.  I don't think I would push my feelings to "bitter" about the whole cristian experience, but it's close.  I really hate the way I was - the judgemental, narrow minded person who looked down my nose on those who were not one of US.  So much so that I just can't look at the cristian god as a positive being .  This makes me sad because I'm not sure I've changed like I would like to think I have - am I still looking down my judgemental nose at those who are not one of US?  A wise friend said I should meditate on what I think about the Divine and follow it to the end and see where it takes me.  Easier said than done with young babies, but I am trying (hence this ramble).   So what do I really think - not what I was taught, not what I think I should think, but really think?  I like the idea of looking at nature for the answer.  Not all of nature is happyhappyjoyjoy.  It's got a dark side - so maybe my goddess does too.  I like the idea of one creative being that is both masculine and feminine but with lesser gods and goddesses with specific areas of focus.  Kinda like the Catholic saints.  I guess this is what I will explore.  Wish me blessings - I still hold a little of that good ol' christian fear.  Sucks, but truth is truth and it is what it is.  Told you this was the ramblings of an ineffective, sleep depribed, over stressed mind.....

Ah, my very first BLOG.  Just like my first taste of sex - shorter and less painful than I thought, but sure to be slightly disappointing.  I don't have much to say today - I have 2 babies still in diapers, so there is no brain in my head any more - just, as Pooh says, some fluff that flew in by mistake.....